Thursday, September 24, 2009

Why Georgia?

so love this song...

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

If your're living it right
Are you living it right?
Are you living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind...

Monday, September 14, 2009

take 2

well today Miguel went to the dentist to have his "extra" tooth removed. He did so well, the dentist was so impressed, they didn't have to give him a "cocktail" they just did the shots and pulled the thing out. He earned himself a toy for that.

Tomorrow we have a big day for him again, as we go to a doctor's appt in Fay, that will take most of the day. He doesn't care except he is happy to be home and not in school... stinker.... ;)


Thursday, September 10, 2009

September 11, the date is a dark memory for most Americans, I remember still this day the complete and utter shock the pain and misery of that day.

And yet....

On the anniversary of that day in 2004 our family received a joy like none. On September 11, 2004 Pat and I flew to Guatemala City, Guatemala and waited for what seemed like forever to receive in a tiny Marriott hotel room our son. I'll never forget oppening the door and seeing him in the flesh. Up to this day we had only known him through pictures. He was so much bigger and chubbier. He was smiling in the arms of his nanny.

It was shocking, at least to me since I had given birth to our daughters, to not have felt before this child that was now mine forever. You think you are prepared and yet I wasn't, not that I wasn't happy but that here was this bundle of joy suddenly thrust into your life and as much preparation as I had done it was almost like a surprise.

But then...

All the months of frustration and waiting and desperation suddenly are forgotten and seem so distant and insignificant... when he is there in my arms, warm and smelling like baby...

As I think about it I realize that you fall in love with this child the first time you see their picture, you cannot help it. How can it be since it takes so long for adults to develop a loving relationship for each other? I don't know, it just does, you just Love this child, you have held him for 1 minute and you would jump in front of a car to save them the next.

I think of his birthmother and wonder if she remembers him. If she thinks of him and how he is doing? Is he alive? Happy? Healthy? Loved? Yes he is I tell you, more than life. Thank you for giving me this gift of your child. I will do all I can for him, I will love him forever, thru thick or thin times. Thank you, I hope you are well and safe and that you somehow know.

And to my son... Dear Miguel, never forget that i love you more than life, that no matter what happens at any point you are my son, no different than your sisters that I gave birth to. Because when I took you in my arms you were mine and mine only.

Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It's something quite magical.

Nicole Kidman
Adoptive parent

I love you Miguel, thank you for being my son forever.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

ugh can't sleep.... I've been awake since at least 3:30 or so and gave up so it's coffee time right now.

maybe I can get a little shuteye after the kids go to school....

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I am the still rain falling,
Too tired for singing mirth--
Oh, be the green fields calling,
Oh, be for me the earth!

I am the brown bird pining
To leave the nest and fly--
Oh, be the fresh cloud shining,
Oh, be for me the sky!

Sara Teasdale
well today was an interesting day, which i will leave at that.

I did get to take Miguel and Larisa to the park, unfortunately Miguel needed to use the bathroom, really badly and we didn't get to stay past 20 minutes. I was not doing those park bathrooms, yuck!!! ::shiver:: but once we got home and he had taken care of business we went outside and I walked with him while he rode his bike. He enjoyed that :)

I got to do some baby shopping today :D A friend had a baby in Spain and is here visiting her family and they are having a little party for her which is I guess the belated version of a baby shower so I got some outfits and a pair of shoes.

Anyhow tomorrow is my busy day of the week so we'll see how it goes. I do my normal workout, then tennis lesson and allergy shot and if Pat wants to we'll hit some tennis balls.

Ok I'm looking for a poem today

sleep, sleep... so important and it's bypassing me lately. Why can't I sleep? I'm so tired right now and wish I could go back to bed, but I can't and I really hate napping to catch up...

can't even think of anything to write....

Monday, September 07, 2009

Happy Labor Day

Enjoying a peaceful (more or less) afternoon. Pat got home early this afternoon. Last night I had such fun, I got to hang with Desire for a while and had a good in depth conversation that I think we both needed.

I woke up nauseaus I guess those vanilla rum and cokes hit me hard. They were good....

I had to play tennis feeling yucky and yet didn't play badly.

Oh so many thoughts going thru my head...

Sunday, September 06, 2009

hanging out watching a DVR'd Locked up abroad, Miguel is doing forward flips from the side of the sofa, Larisa is trying, Gabi is MIA upstairs right now. Miguel will need to go to sleep at 8 pm, Dez is coming over to hang with me. I need to grab some diet coke and return some movies and maybe get a new one. I'm going to check the redbox right now.....

well today I woke up way early after going to bed at 1 am and decided we would go and hike. Wow, what I good idea that was, we drove to Mt. Magazine and hiked to the highest point and took some awesome picture and had fun together. I posted some pictures on Facebook. The kids requested rice and beans on the way home and so now we are indulging :)

so big hugs, I'm eating and watching spongebob

Saturday, September 05, 2009

oh well, hanging at home with the kids, well 2/3rds of them. Larisa is at a sleepover. I took the kids bowling and then got them lunch and they had it a the park, where they played for almost an hour. We, well I saw the Cowboys beat the Bulldogs, and then tried to see the Hogs game but not only was it on paperback but it was also not working. So I went and returned some movies and got 2 of them, "The Soloist" and "Duplicity" I also have a nagging desire to watch Sahara, Matthew is calling on me tonight :) well nothing wrong with his friend Greg Zahn.

Friday, September 04, 2009

so Pat is leaving shortly and I will be going to the club to workout and then play singles tennis. Should be a fun afternoon :)

Thursday, September 03, 2009

I miss Puerto Rico, I miss the heat, the beach, the sand, even the stupid traffic. I miss being home with my sisters either having a blast or even fighting with them. This afternoon while talking to a friend about her missing her family I realized how very much I miss my family, haging with my sisters and laughing idiotically about stupid things that only we know or remember.

It's really pretty amazing how much there is to a sibbling relationship, how much is assumed and understood. I can be away from my sisters for 2 years and go there and we still can laugh at the same stupid jokes or stories of our youth. It brings us together and it's like "old" times.

I miss my sisters, I miss the closeness, the history and the bond that is always there even when you are separated.

I wonder sometimes if Miguel does/will feel that way with his sisters. Will he feel that they are the people he can always be himself with, like I do with my sisters? Is this a blood bond or a life bond that comes from knowing that you have always been there and they will always be there too? I am so afraid sometimes for him, that he will feel we were insufficient, that we didn't do enough or try enough. I am afraid that he will feel like we didn't love him enough, though I jump in front of a car for him; which reminds me of when we were in Chicago and we accidentally left him in the main floor of the Chicago Field Museum. I can remember with crystal clear quality and in slow motion when my grandman in her wheelchair asked where miguel was after we went down the elevator and I realized he hadn't been with us and the absolute fear and desperation I felt and how Gabi and I without a second thought ran up the stairs hysterically and feeling like every moment was an eternity. And Gabi knocked down some kids on the stairs in her rush and we looked and saw a guard taking him to a pair of men that "seemed" related to him due to his looks. I remember screaming that he was mine... and the tears in his face, running down his cheeks, how he was red and frightened and confused. And I grabbed him and held him, in my arms feeling like it had been 10,000 years since I had last seen him. And then I started crying and he stopped and he said "why are you crying mom?" .... I'll never be able to explain to him the absolute terror I felt when I realized he was alone, without his family to care for him.

I don't think your family is your blood I think your family is yours because you will it to be either by blood or by choice and he is ours by choice.

I love you Miguel, don't ever forget that, sweet love of mine, don't ever forget.

hugs, Maria, who got sentimental, longwinded and rambly
well the day went well, I played tennis and earned 14 points, the kids pick up went well, got excellent health news of a friends husband, life is good.

this will be a very unusual weekend with Pat gone so I'm venturing into new territory and thinking of hauling the kids off to Lake Fort Smith for a picnic and nature walk. Well see how that goes ;)

I'm not happy with my eating right now, I'm currently addicted to cheetos and I'm trying my best to keep it a reasonable amount but man they are goood!

Ok, off to do research on Lake Fort Smith

hugs, maria
so I'm going out with my beautiful, gorgeous and amazing friend Desiree tomorrow night :) Woo Hoo! It's been so long since we have hung out together and while other people might come and we'll be a group I almost want to have her to myself so we can reminisce ( i should check my spelling on that i don't think the e goes )

Anyhow, I'm so looking forward to that!

It's so quiet around her in the daytime without kids, it's been neat to be able to switch on the apple TV and listen to music, I've made some new playlists that have my favorite music and I've been listening to spanish music some more.

My poor Miguel is not looking forward to daddy being gone this weekend so I'm going to have to do some serious planning for him to be busy this weekend.

well i seem to have little inspiration this morning for writing so I'm going to go upstairs and put a mask on my face and beautify it.

hugs, maria
::playing funeral march::

the computer is not responding to the reformatting... sigh.... they don't know why so they are having a tech look at it again. Lovely....

Today is picture day at the school so the little kiddos are all spiffed up and ready to be memorialized for the year of 2009.

Ok Miguel is trying to climb the pantry, better go....

hugs, maria

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I'm feeling good today, even though my tennis lesson was dissapointment (at least for me)

Pat is going to Hooters with his boyfriends, I mean his friends, to supposedly plan out their Fantasy Football strategy, sure.... they are not going there to see chicks... ah ha.. anyhow, he's going to be gone all weekend doing manly sports things which I'm sure he'll enjoy. I hope to go out with my girlfriends on Friday if I can get ahold of the babysitter (unusual for her not to answer).

Since pat is going to be gone for dinner I think I will get the kids a Genos pizza, some ice cream and have a relaxed dinner.

I have my thursday tennis league tomorrow which is so much fun because i feel more evenly matched with the players. I love my monday league but I feel often like the weak link, although they are all sweet enough to not say anything about it and I do learn a lot from them.

Need to leave in 20 minutes to pick up the Gabi from the tennis club. So I'm going to say bye now.

hugs, maria

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

good, good day...

got busy cleaning floors this morning and then organizing and vaccuming the downstairts. (wow i bet your are rivetted to my blog now as i ponder about housecleaning...)

well that was much of my day, though i did workout and then picked up kids. Now I relax in front of the 'puter, writing about my boring day. It was entertainning in that I got to listen to lots of music and dance about as I slaved I MEAN cleaned the house.

I'm going to be whipping up some rice and beans and salmon tonight, that's always a big favorite around here.

I had so much fun listening to Ricardo Arjona today. He is a guatemalan singer that has a beautiful voice and lovely lyrics he's been described as "nueva trova" which means "new lyric" which means like a poet type singer. I can compare it sort off to John Mayer, Cold Play, The Fray.

well i must end this as i have to go get Gabi and buy some food.