Thursday, September 03, 2009

I miss Puerto Rico, I miss the heat, the beach, the sand, even the stupid traffic. I miss being home with my sisters either having a blast or even fighting with them. This afternoon while talking to a friend about her missing her family I realized how very much I miss my family, haging with my sisters and laughing idiotically about stupid things that only we know or remember.

It's really pretty amazing how much there is to a sibbling relationship, how much is assumed and understood. I can be away from my sisters for 2 years and go there and we still can laugh at the same stupid jokes or stories of our youth. It brings us together and it's like "old" times.

I miss my sisters, I miss the closeness, the history and the bond that is always there even when you are separated.

I wonder sometimes if Miguel does/will feel that way with his sisters. Will he feel that they are the people he can always be himself with, like I do with my sisters? Is this a blood bond or a life bond that comes from knowing that you have always been there and they will always be there too? I am so afraid sometimes for him, that he will feel we were insufficient, that we didn't do enough or try enough. I am afraid that he will feel like we didn't love him enough, though I jump in front of a car for him; which reminds me of when we were in Chicago and we accidentally left him in the main floor of the Chicago Field Museum. I can remember with crystal clear quality and in slow motion when my grandman in her wheelchair asked where miguel was after we went down the elevator and I realized he hadn't been with us and the absolute fear and desperation I felt and how Gabi and I without a second thought ran up the stairs hysterically and feeling like every moment was an eternity. And Gabi knocked down some kids on the stairs in her rush and we looked and saw a guard taking him to a pair of men that "seemed" related to him due to his looks. I remember screaming that he was mine... and the tears in his face, running down his cheeks, how he was red and frightened and confused. And I grabbed him and held him, in my arms feeling like it had been 10,000 years since I had last seen him. And then I started crying and he stopped and he said "why are you crying mom?" .... I'll never be able to explain to him the absolute terror I felt when I realized he was alone, without his family to care for him.

I don't think your family is your blood I think your family is yours because you will it to be either by blood or by choice and he is ours by choice.

I love you Miguel, don't ever forget that, sweet love of mine, don't ever forget.

hugs, Maria, who got sentimental, longwinded and rambly

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